"Greetings Programs!"

School pictures are this Thursday, which explains why the child had a small breakout on her face over the weekend. Poor spawn. I feel for her and make myself totally available to her for questions and concerns. I'm all about the customer service. She's 9 now and looks 11. I can tell she has severe conflicting emotional moments because of her furrwed brow, and I can clearly remember life at 9. I too had a stepdad, but mine wasn't a awesome as Ian. The child has a lot of love in her home environment, but not the kiss ass kind. I'm not one to blow smoke up someone's ass and that includes my child. I behave in what a I believe to be a realistic manner. I try to present my views with thought and logic yet lacking finality if the child wants to ask questions.

What intrigues me about the child is that she exhibits loads of adult behavior. Most notably, she goes to certain adults to talk about specific things. She'll give me the most basic of details concerning most of her school day but with Ian she becomes verbose and hurried. I don't mind talking about paganism with her so I'm okay with missing the frenized chat about a video game we don't even own. It works itself out, like most adult interactions. And she's only 9!

However speaking of customer service, I procured myself a part-time job working retail 4 days a week. It's very close to home, well within walking distance. It helps that I've been a customer, knowing the merchandise is fun and quirky, something my whole family is in to, build a lovely foundation of familiarity. As with all things, I go into this ready for anything and open-minded ... Wait, maybe I should stop that? All right, okay, gonna shake it off and go with something new. SAY! I know! I'll go as myself with my tattoos and my skull socks and Converse lo-tops, blue jeans and tee shirts, terry cloth wristbands and fuckin' Halloween themed earrings. I swear it's not a nerdy as it sounds. ;o)

I would also like to share the following:

Dear Jasmine,
Here is your horoscope for Tuesday, October 21:
You've got to think long-term now --
you're in a unique position to affect your future!
Even if you don't know exactly what you want
or how to get there, you can still make a good guess.

Sounds logical.

"You're just mad cus you're white!"

I'm on the email list for Brave New Films. In the most recent email, they discuss how horridly and blatantly racist a lot of the McCain supporters seem to be. It's footage you, or may not have seen already. I forwarded it to everyone, and I do mean everyone *grin*, on my address list. This included my ex-in laws, who live in Texas.

I added a line that read, "If you condone racism, hatred, and ignorance please do not read." To which my ex-mother in law replied with:

Jasmine, you are probably aware that I am against racism, hatred and ignorance. That is why I am voting for McCain. I know you will not understand, but I love America and find the attacks on Sarah and McCain extremely disgusting. This is the first time in years I will be voting Republican. Love You, Stormye

I guess she didn't actually read the email or watch the video.

I read her reply the first time really quickly and even clicked on delete before I finished. I read a few more emails, her reply nagging in my head, read some Twitter acitivity, and then went back to my Trash folder and pulled her email out. I read it with more focus and attention. I couldn't let it go. You know, I couldn't not reply. But what's the fun, or use, in that? I've been doing that for years where she's concerned. Held my tongue some would say while she pondered the lies, and may be some truths, about me, but she doesn't get to judge me. I put up with her unappreciative, disrespecting son for a number of years and it was always my fault that he was a shit sumbitch of a man. No, no ... I'm not holding my tongue anymore. I have as much right to speak my mind in a civilized and patient manner as anyone. I'm an adult and I can act like one, when it suits me.

My reply to her:

I respect your decision to use your vote in that capacity. Although I'm confused how you believe people yelling "Kill Him!" and calling Obama a terrorist is not behaving in a racist manner. But as long as you're not confused then you're vote will make sense. And actually no I'm not aware that you're against ignorance.

God bless.

--Jasmine

I'll admit that using the "god bless" was a jab of sorts. :o)

Email Subject:
1. Watch the video2. Sign the petition3. Send the video to your friends
We'd like to talk about the pressing issues facing our country: the woeful economy, rising unemployment, the housing crisis, and the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. But we can't talk about them because John McCain and Sarah Palin have distracted us with the politics of hate and fear.
Instead of discussing the real issues plaguing Americans, McCain and Palin have turned to fear-mongering and race-baiting, stoking the prejudices of their supporters. The situation has become so critical that we've teamed up with Color of Change to put an end to these dangerous mob scenes.
Watch the video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U5mdIPNB8t8
Things have gotten so out of control that some conservatives have come forward to denounce McCain and Palin's hate-mongering. In an Op-Ed for The Baltimore Sun, Frank Schaeffer writes: "John McCain: If your campaign does not stop equating Sen. Barack Obama with terrorism, questioning his patriotism and portraying Mr. Obama as "not one of us," I accuse you of deliberately feeding the most unhinged elements of our society the red meat of hate, and therefore of potentially instigating violence."
Here's how you can take action:
Sign the open letter calling on McCain and Palin to reject the politics of hate.
Sign up for a free video subscription and get the latest on the real McCain.
Send this video to yours friends, and post it on your blogs and networking sites like Digg, where it will effectively reach those outside the choir.
Don't let McCain and Palin undo the decades spent fighting for civil rights and equality in our country.
Yours,Robert Greenwaldand the Brave New team

------Brave New Films is supported by members like you, please consider making a donation. You can get all our latest videos via email, RSS, iTunes or YouTube here. To stop receiving updates from us, click here. We are located at 10510 Culver Blvd., Culver City, CA 90232 and info@bravenewfilms.org.

"Life is what happens while you're making other plans."

So I'm unemployed again. Perhaps not too much of a surprise considering all the weirdass bullshit, psycho drama from my ex-boss that you've heard about. My calling in sick two days in a row prompted my ex-boss to call me Friday afternoon on speaker phone. When I heard that distinctive hollow sound of someone speaking on the phone with the speaker instead of the handset I knew the point of the call and smiled. It was going to finally end and I could stop fretting. My ex-boss asked how I was feeling and I played along and told her exactly how my cold was going. She provided some sort of sound of acknowledgement, then mentioned the two other people in the room with her. It was the HR manager and the company controller.

Honestly, I wasn't sure why the big deal. I had only been there a month, well withn the 90 day probbie period. But there the three ladies sat, probably in the controller's office, which I could picture and it amused me. So full of themselves to the absolute end. Wow. If they only put that much energy into being fair and honest, imagine the greatness that could be done?! Not.

And so back to the job search I go. But it's okay. I've got some solid and sincere support from my family. My sanity wasn't worth it, seriously the older I get feel less inclined to compromise. Have I stated that before? Well then I must fuckin' mean it. :o)

"Those who doubt me suck cock by choice!"

I love my husband Ian for a lot of things. First, I can trust him. Simple as that. I've known him well over 10 years and I'd trust him with my child's life, as well as my own. I trust him to be honest with me. And in the honesty lies love for me I still can't wrap my brain around sometimes.

Currently I feel like a right wreck. I finally "manned up", so to speak, and went to the clinic, where I wound up waiting 3 hours for the doctor to tell me I have a bad cold and prescribe prescription strenth Sudafed. Wow. Really? It cost $80 too because I'm employed and make to much money. I didn't lie about my income because they want proof of your income. I did tell the consultant that I was going to go quit my job now so I could qualify for free medical assistance. She chuckled.

But I'm feeling like a wreck because of this cold that's taking for-fucking-ever to go away (I'm not usually this sick for this long, or so I think), and I hate my job, and now my lower back is hurting a lot and my aunt flo's in town. I feel the best solution would be to step in front of a bus. My luck I'd get maimed slightly but not qualify for disability because I'm too tall or my hair's too red.

And I keep pissing and moaning about my job to Ian. He's taking it in stride and being very supportive, from wanting to cut someone on my behalf or just eloquently stating the obvious. I love and appreciate his patience with me because I can be such a random bitch to him. He really keeps me sane most days, which must take a toll on his own sanity. I got the following email from him the other day and it really saved my soul.

Darling, i think the reason you sometimes feel down on yourself is because of all the bullshit you pick up on from all the other cocksuckers around you. Now, i'm not one who ascribes to a particular belief system, but you are incredible sensitive person(not the cry all the type sensitive) who, like it or not, picks up on the vibes(emotional, psychic, whatever) that people put out and because most people are vicious selfcentered, self-hating, repressive dickcheese eating monsters, you pick that up and not being that type of person, you don't have the ability to reflect it back at them. It's not a shortcoming on your part, it's a gift that, in addition to having a downside, it also allows you to instinctively know how to be comfortable and friendly and loving with a wide range of personalities and is one of the things that attracted me to you. I don't mean to vent but i want you to know that i get what you feel, as best i can, and that i'm here to help you however i can(even if it means shutting up for a bit if i get a bit vociferous).Now start heading home and i'll see you soon, Sugarlips.MWAAAH!

"And you're gonna be a funny little footnote on my epic ass."

Shoot me.
No really, seriously, somebody shoot me. Not to blatantly steal from Adam Sandler, but put a bullet in my head. This cough ... *sigh* I gotta admit that I think it's some kind of respiratory infection. I've had a couple before.

The first one I ever recall getting was from the first time I was arrested. The Phoenix jail was concrete and metal, with nothing resembling civility. It was more like a holding tank to truck off people to faraway places to dig tunnels for diamond mine owners. Actually that makes it sound a wee bit glamorous. The cops working the jail were so hideous in personality I felt sure that wrong people were locked up. After my inital arrest and processing, before being taken to lock up in the main downtown municipal tank, a female cop strip-searched me. She looked more like a gym teacher then a cop, well she looked like an angry gym teacher in a cop's uniform. She certainly reminded me of a teacher the way she demeaned me in regards to my tattoos. I couldn't be sure if she really meant what she was saying but neverless she was saying them. Her snide tone drawed out certain words. She confessed to the heavens that I was either stupid or a satan worhsipper. It really was ridiculous what she was saying, stuff one could easily brush off by waving a hand at someone like shooing away a fly. Except I was standing wearing only my bra and undies in a room with a complete stranger.

That gym teacher cop woman has reappeared a few times through my working life. She's reared her ugly head as a boss of mine at least four time, that I can think of. Well, it now seems she's rearing it a fifth time.

My boss called me into her office Thursday and in no uncertain terms told me I pissed her off. Those words. I was floored. My boss removed her glasses and crossed her arms, tilting back in her chair to glare at me, I shit you not, she said, "You really pissed me off earlier."

I felt my eyes widen and my bottom lip suck itself in so as not to saying anything. But I was truly taken off guard by this and so remaining contrite was a survival tactic. I think. Just the week before she told me, "Everyone loves you!" So what happened to the fuckin' love?

It suddenly seems that I'm not pulling my weight and that I should be further along in my tasks since starting my job 3 weeks ago. She was real uppity about it too. The expression "Shit rolls down hill" came to mind and I figured her boss (the controller) was getting in her face about month end stuff. But still I sat there with my snack of pre-packaged carrots and dip, fiddling the cello wrap corner, looking around, waiting for it to end. My boss went on to tell me that I don't seem happy so something's wrong because it's important that I'm happy. I need to exude friendliness and happiness regardless how I truly feel. It was such hypocritical bullshit that I began to wonder if she was crazy.

The company culture that was sold to me during my two interviews was about family first, work hard and playing hard, open-minded, march to our own beat, none of that corporate environment crap here! Okay, I don't want to be a total bitch and say these things aren't there. They're just not there for me. I feel so fuckin' duped and cheated my dislike for the place and my job cemented within those mere 10 or so minutes my boss tore me down. It had already started developing a week or so prior when I was told one of my new duties was to be a second back-up for the receptionist. And even though there is a guy working in the same Admin deptartment I am he does not have this responsibility. Only women do.

The next day my boss sent me this long email reiterating everything she spoke about the previous day. She needs to see improvement, there needs to be communication, I need to have follow through and be a go getter and take charge but be nice about it. She listed my duties in detail. I printed up the whole thing and stuck it on my cubicle wall. I highlighted the duties and prepared a to-do list from it. I spent the rest of my day, including my lunch, working on projects that suddenly were past due or overdue or coming due. Yes, pretty much everything. I'm also not allowed to use the internet at all except for lunchbreaks, to which I shall refrain from using even then. When she had me in her office she stated that in the span of 3 hours I had only processed 15 or so invoices. She demanded to know from me if I thought that was right. I stammered, one would having their merit called into question so rudely. I said, "No, no I did other stuff. I helped the controller with a few more inventory recounts."

"Yeah," she said as she shrugged with indifference, "but that was only like 20 minutes."

I was put on the spot and felt like that near naked 21 year old again, standing in a room with an insensitive angry stranger.

The amount of drama I've experienced lately is not something I'm use to. Last week's double dose of shitty drama and then my boss humbling me are just more then this only child can fuckin' take.

"We don't need no stinkin' badges!"

I was included in this email from the AR Specialist to the IT tech guy here at work,

Hi,
The receptionist will be on vacation from 10/2 – 10/6. I’ll be sitting up front the majority of the time but when I’m not, Jasmine will need to be sitting up front and will need Remote Desktop access just like I have so she has the ability to do her work from Jen’s computer.

Will you please get her all set up prior to 10/2?

Yay! Just what I was hoping for, to be in the receptionist role, again! It was sooooooooooo fulfilling when I was doing it at CarDomain. I can only hope that this time around it will be equally fulfilling.

"What we've got here is failure to communicate."

The child's due for some boots. The season has shifted causing a need to shop. It's a nice Saturday with hardly a chill in the air yet the sun is shining like a motherfucker, so this should put people in a good mood, especially those that like the sun. Or so I hoped and thought.

The child and I made our way out of the driveway and down the street made most narrow by all the cars parked along both sides. The first intersection has no stop signs yet I'm a freak and I stop (in fact, I stop everytime, there's just too many large vehicles parked that visibility is an idea more then a reality). We proceed through and make our way down to the end of the next block, which is where there is a stop sign and I plan on turning left.

I'm driving pretty damn slow, which is good because when the lady with the stroller pops out of the last driveway on the right I can make a solid stop. Stroller woman hesitates, squinting at me (I think), squinting as she looks up and across the street. I watch her cross the street and keep an eye on her because I'm just not sure why she's pushing her stroller into the street. I stop at the stop sign and I notice the jogger.

I notice the jogger because she's glaring at me and flipping me off. I roll my window down and say, "Excuse me?" To which the jogger replies, "Look both ways!" over her shoulder.

The jogger went around the back of the car to cross the street even though I hadn't pulled far enough up to the stop sign to block the sidewalk. Stroller woman is now also at the corner, still squinting I might add, and even the angry jogger has to go around her.

For some reason I'm compelled to tell the jogger that I was looking out for the confused woman with the stroller. The jogger replies with yet another finger. Look, I like flipping people off obviously as much as this crazy jogger but at some point you gotta stop. So the jogger jogs on, and I sit at the stop sign waiting for it to be safe and clear so I can pull out and make my left.

We drive by the jogger and I shout out my window, "Have a nice day!" Not surprising, she flips me off again, twice. "Thanks for flipping me and my kid off!" More of the finger. My smile drops, I hit the brakes and flip a bitch in the middle of the road. I pull into the alley entrance that the jogger is approaching and roll my window down again.

I'm not sure why I felt so fucking compelled to plead my case with this woman. As she approaches and removes her earplugs I say, "Look lady, no matter how much you jog you're an ugly person. The stroller lady popped out into the road moments before you crossed, I was concerned. Besides you can't just run across the road, why would you do that?"

"You need to look both ways! Get over yourself!" was the jogger's retort, which she repeated at least three times like a broken toy.

The moment left me and we parted. It wasn't thrilling to swing in on her and make my case, and still as I type this I'm uncertain why I would ever bother.

We finally arrived at Fred Meyer, which is only say 10 blocks away from home, and park. As the child and I stand at the back of our car to remove some resuable grocery bags the silver minivan next to us starts to pull out, much to the dismay of the green minivan already backing out behind it. The driver of the green minivan starts to honk furiously and the silver minivan driver stops and stares at me. I point to the van behind her and she pulls back into the parking space. Once the green minivan is fully backed out of the parking spot the driver starts honking aggressively again while the green minivan's passenger beats on the window and shakes a fist at the old lady driving the silver minivan. The child and I stand there watching it all.

"Hey okay, she gets it! Fuck off!" I shout at the green minivan. To which the green minivan's passenger opens her door and shouts at me to fuck off as well. See now, I've been sick for while and now I've got this horrid cold sore on my lip, plus my mind's tired and perplexed about my life in general so please do not be alarmed to know that this was the last straw.

The child and I got back in the car and I just sat there. I wanted to start bawling, tears did come up and just before they flowed there was a knock on my window. A woman who saw the altercation was there with a smile on her face. I turned on the car and put the window down.

"Good for you! Don't let those people get to you, you did the right thing."

I must've looked a bit shellshocked because she put her hand on my hand, which I hadn't realized I had rested on the window ledge until then. I told her that was the 2nd person to yell at me today. "I'm just gonna go home and try again later." She smiled at that, told me have a better day and, "I'm sorry that happened," before she went on her way.

I remained in the car for another 5, maybe 10 minutes before I got my shit together and went in. I certainly didn't want to come back later and that last lady's supportive, kind words, plus her sincere smile helped a lot. I apologized to the child for witnessing both outbreaks of drama.

The child patted me and said, "It's okay, at least we weren't driving a Subaru, then we'd be the assholes."

"Luuuuuccceeeeeeeeee! I'm home!"

I'm having the hardest time getting this post started. I've been sitting here for at least ten minutes just trying to title the damn thing.

I know I want to talk about the revelation about my new job. I know I want to discuss how utterly appalling it is to me, but I just can't seem to get my mind to simmer down now and focus. The predominant male culture of the company I now work for believe only women should answer the main incoming business phone line. I am now one of three women (there's the receptionist and the AR Specialist) who is meant to do this on a regular basis. My title is Staff Accountant.

I've been working for over 22 years and I'm still having to put up with prejudice bullshit and narrow-mindedness. This is not the company culture that was sold to me during my two interviews. The 50s a-woman's-got-her-place mentality just does not sit well with me at all. I'm all fidgety as I type this. I couldn't sleep-in today like I like to on Saturday mornings because I fucking deserve it.

I can't seem to get a break.

And then on the other side of that, I feel like shit for even bitching about this job. They way I lost my last job though ...

Well, suffice it to say I'm not going to apologize for being who I am. It's becoming increasingly harder and harder to compromise myself for other people who don't give a fuck about anyone but themselves. It's just becoming harder for me to be nice and friendly and interested when I get nothing in kind back, muchless a response.

So yeah, okay, maybe the 50s culture will suit me when I decide to finally say "Fuck it all!" and turn into a zombie like everyone else. I'll ignore you and only pander to my base needs and wants. I'll be icy and false. I won't want to know you or be your friend. I won't care.

*shakes head*

Oh man ... c'mon, I can't do that. I can't be that kind of hideous, humorless, asshole. It would be easy, don't get me wrong to be like everyone else. But I couldn't ulitmately live with myself.

I think what I really need to do is stop caring about what other people think of me. I like smiling and being friendly and outgoing. I also, in truth, like to flip people off and swear a lot, but only when the moment calls for it and someone's bring a douchebag. But my point is I like not being cold and unapproachable. I like being nicer then most people, because I don't want to be like most people, especially if they're so horrid.

"Without lamps there'd be no light!"

A week into the new job and all is well. My immediate supervisor is a busy woman resulting in a very hands off approach. But I am picking up on things, and luckily the company is pretty small so I shouldn't have too hard a time remembering who's who and all. Eveyone is friendly, and the company provides a ridiculous amount of free beverages. I took mean advantage of that with regards to the OJ as my week progressed.

Yes, I was getting sick. And yes, I am currently fighting off a mild, dare I say low grade cold. Ian's turned into a sinus infection requiring a trip to the doctor for antibiotics, and then a call to the doctor a few days later when no symptoms had really subsided yet chest pain had begun. I've been feeding my system a constant diet of Alka Seltzer, Sudafed, Tylenol (PM in the evenings), Bendryl, and generic Musinex all week. I'm like Hunter S. Thompson with over the counter cold meds. Pathetic.

Today was supposed to be a frolic in the sun at the Puyallup Fair, but in all honesty I shouldn't have even left the house. I really wanted to spend some time with the child, and she's been wanting to go to the fair for a few years now. Her school hands out passes every year, and every year I manage to poo poo the idea. The mere suggestion of doing things like attending a fair make me yearn for a mom friend.

And I only realized this weekend, driving out to Puyallup in lame ass traffic, only to scrap the plan because I was feeling quite shitty. If I had a mom friend I could've had someone to interact with me, and the child would have a friend along to really enjoy what she wanted to. I don't know anyone like that and just today I found out that it's something I've been wanting for a long time.

I have mom friends out of state that when I converse with them and hear about the family vacation or weekend I get all bummed that I couldn't have been there to witness it first hand. Or be a part of it. I now its silly and childish to feel this way and I don't care.

Just an Earthbound misfit.

You ever feel more then the sum of your parts? Your being? Feel your energy rise up from your skin? Have you ever looked up into the night sky and was lucky enough to see stars? Those stars eminating light from millions of years ago. Ago. As in from the past. I hope to be able to shine as brightly from the past when I'm long dead. Heck, not even long dead, just dead.





Life is really, and at times awkwardly, about moments. That moment you stare up into the night sky, able to see the fuzziness of our own galaxy in which our planet hangs magically in. That's a moment to be still and quiet for because it will allow you to handle other moments in life, those moments not so peaceful and sure. I'm sure for some it comes down to maturity and perspective, but at the end of the day, at the end of the universe, which is going to be a better memory?


Ian and I will have many excellent memories of our honeymoon. We were fortunate enough to be able to afford a 4 day stint in Maui, and along with some money gifts from the wedding we could also treat ourselves to a snorkeling excursion. I had thought about it for years, and Ian voiced excitement into wanting to do it too. The catamaran came onto the beach and single-file we ascended a little metal ladder between the twin hulls. We sailed north for about 45 minutes or so. The motion did jar me a bit but with the ocean spraying up through the net I was sitting on and the massive breeze I felt great. It even made me not feel my sunburn. Well almost.

We snorkled for at least 90 minutes, and afterwards enjoyed a really good hot meal on the boat. I had sustain more burning on top of my sunburn and by the end of the meal was itching to get out of my swim suit top. I went below to change and that's when the trouble started. The boat was backing out of Honolua Bay, for the most part, and the swells were intense when experienced from below. My nausea was stubborn and stuck with me the entire 90 minte ride back to the hotel, even after I puked over board. Hey, better out then in, yeah? The crew and ship owner were incredibly helpful and charming about the whole thing. Ian too. He held me the entire trip back, except for a few moments to take some photos.


Some other memories we'll have thanks in large part to family and friends donating money is a great dinner at Mama's Fish House and the Feast at Lele luau. Mama's Fish House is located a mile or so outside of Pa'ia, heading towards Hana. It's expensive but so damn tasty and good and filling that once in a lifetime is worth it. Ron, the bartender, made a new fan out of Ian by doing "talk story" about Teddy Roosevelt and tequila bottles designed by Chanel. Our Server, Heidi, was fantastic, helfpul, and courteous. Every bit of our food was magical and required picture taking. Ian's panang curry was loaded with ahi, opah, and mahimahi, while I just had the opah entree with soy glaze and avocado. It's all about the freshness there. They don't print up the menu until 45 minutes prior to opening their doors for dinner.

Ahi and kampaci sashimi with daikon and homegrown wasabi.

Soy glaze Opah with chutney and avocado.

Opah, Ahi, and MahiMahi Panang Curry.

Last, the luau was incredible. I had so much fun, and it was indeed a masterful show complete with singing, dancing, narration, conch-shell tooting, costume changes, and loads of drinks and food. The fire-knife dancer at the end was intense and looked like he would at any moment leap off the stage and stab one of the white people in the front row. But I was okay with that, since we were sitting about two rows back. We had two servers, both men, that wore native sarongs and woven leaf hats and leaves adorned in their hair. We were made to feel welcome, and after the dance finale the dancers roamed the crowd to take pictures and thank us. By then I had a decent buzz going on and I couldn't help the smile plastered on my face. We've been spoiled and wouldn't dream or dare to go to some buffet luau with 500 guests.