Wednesday, January 28, 2009

"Are you there, God? It's me ..."

As a child, starting around 6 years old, I thought I had a relationship with God. At the time I didn't have a male power figure in my life and so I would defer my personal conversations to God. To me it seemed natural to speak aloud when I was by myself and know that at least someone was listening. For the longest time I thought it was God.

My favorite place to talk to God was to sit on the roof of the trailer I lived in and marvel at the vastness of land that surrounded me. If at night, I'd gaze at the stars and dream to be among them. As I got older I came to realize an emptiness within me, and though my mom had remarried and I had a stepdad I would still talk only to God about what truly upset me. But I felt hallow and abandoned, talking to God was unsatisfying because I came to discover that God wasn't there. He may be there for some people but he wasn't there for me.

My mom had been baptized as a child but we never went to church. I had to worm my way into someone else's trip to church if I wanted to go. I never expressed wanting to go to church to my mom, probably because I was kicked out of Sunday school for asking too many questions. My want to be in a church was due to my interest in the architecture. My trips overseas with my grandma always had me looking forward to the medieval churches and monk tower ruins.

When I learned about the Goddess I was mostly curious and spent time ruminating on this. The concept was new to me, that a power figure could be a woman was, yes, a new concept to me. It wasn't until I was 17 that when I thought about the Goddess, and even spoke about her to others that honor her, that the void where my soul felt like it should have been all those years was finally filled. I felt a warmth and light within myself and I believe it to be from the Goddess.

If you do not know of the Goddess, or don't believe in Her, that's okay. For me she is the natural way to self-expression and self-love. One does not 'worship' the Goddess, but honor her with thoughts and actions that are as peaceful and educated as possible. I do not judge your religious beliefs based on what I don't know. For you to worship God is fine with me. I'm happy you have a spiritual nature to your human nature. So please do me the same courtesy. If you vilify Her in the name of your God then you're being manipulated by fear of something you have no comprehension of.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

"Confessions of a Dangerous Mind."

As a parent I have times of internal struggle I'm never sure of how to resolve because sometimes the right action from me would be to punch someone's face. As the mother of an only child, and as an only child myself, I have a tendency to project my fears and doubt into a scenario involving my child. And she's sooooooooooo my child. You know the phrase "chip off the ol' block"? Well that's the child. Mini me is an understatement. So being different is just who we are ... who she is. And for all the child's gregarious manner is peppered with moments of shouting "I like pie!" she's still a good kid. It shouldn't matter that she's into sharks, Family Guy, and anything Japanese. She's not a wishy-washy kid. When you ask her a question she'll answer. There's none of that weak shoulder shrugging or mumbled "I dunno."

I try not to tell the child about the prejudice she's experiencing on a near daily basis from her fellow students, that they're all just moronic asses in elementary who say whatever they want and have no idea of how to be an individual and only crave acceptance ... HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Okay, I can't continue that crap because I don't feel ALL children are like that. And children that are like that? Well they only have their parents to blame.

The child has this fellow 3rd grader that she likens to a friend. The child doesn't whine for playdates, and why are they still called play dates when the kids are 9? But still when it comes to the child's freetime she doesn't EVER suggest kids she'd like to play with. In fact, she's not that interested in the youngest kids at childcare like she use to be. The child use to go out of her way to hang out in the preschool area, and even participated in the leadership program where she taught art to the 3-4 yr. olds. These days though, the child isn't that enamored with youth anymore. She finds the children in her elementary to be rude. She's been sexually harrassed and her life threatened by boys, so of course when she says she loathes boys then I understand. The excuse other adults give the child about such hideous behavior is just that they're kids and they don't mean it. Oh they don't mean it? Well that's a relief. So I'll condone my child to behave in that same manner too simply because she doesn't mean it? Fuck that.

Back to the fellow 3rd grader who has a birthday coming up. The child mentioned that her "friend" was having a sleepover but the child wasn't sure she was invited because initially the birthday girl was only allowed to invite 3 girls. If the child were to be invited to the sleepover she'd have to not "spaz out". Then last night the child told me the bithday girl is having a regular party because if the child was to attend then there could be no sleepover. However, the child told Ian that if the birthday girl wanted more then 3 people over then the sleepover wouldn't happen. Understand that I'm confused. Is my child banned from a sleepover? Is my child even invited to this birthday party which is supposed to happen this coming Saturday?

I feel compelled to just call the parents up and in my most gracious customer service voice (because I do have a good one) and ask if McKenzie is invited or not.