"Are you there, God? It's me ..."

As a child, starting around 6 years old, I thought I had a relationship with God. At the time I didn't have a male power figure in my life and so I would defer my personal conversations to God. To me it seemed natural to speak aloud when I was by myself and know that at least someone was listening. For the longest time I thought it was God.

My favorite place to talk to God was to sit on the roof of the trailer I lived in and marvel at the vastness of land that surrounded me. If at night, I'd gaze at the stars and dream to be among them. As I got older I came to realize an emptiness within me, and though my mom had remarried and I had a stepdad I would still talk only to God about what truly upset me. But I felt hallow and abandoned, talking to God was unsatisfying because I came to discover that God wasn't there. He may be there for some people but he wasn't there for me.

My mom had been baptized as a child but we never went to church. I had to worm my way into someone else's trip to church if I wanted to go. I never expressed wanting to go to church to my mom, probably because I was kicked out of Sunday school for asking too many questions. My want to be in a church was due to my interest in the architecture. My trips overseas with my grandma always had me looking forward to the medieval churches and monk tower ruins.

When I learned about the Goddess I was mostly curious and spent time ruminating on this. The concept was new to me, that a power figure could be a woman was, yes, a new concept to me. It wasn't until I was 17 that when I thought about the Goddess, and even spoke about her to others that honor her, that the void where my soul felt like it should have been all those years was finally filled. I felt a warmth and light within myself and I believe it to be from the Goddess.

If you do not know of the Goddess, or don't believe in Her, that's okay. For me she is the natural way to self-expression and self-love. One does not 'worship' the Goddess, but honor her with thoughts and actions that are as peaceful and educated as possible. I do not judge your religious beliefs based on what I don't know. For you to worship God is fine with me. I'm happy you have a spiritual nature to your human nature. So please do me the same courtesy. If you vilify Her in the name of your God then you're being manipulated by fear of something you have no comprehension of.

"Confessions of a Dangerous Mind."

As a parent I have times of internal struggle I'm never sure of how to resolve because sometimes the right action from me would be to punch someone's face. As the mother of an only child, and as an only child myself, I have a tendency to project my fears and doubt into a scenario involving my child. And she's sooooooooooo my child. You know the phrase "chip off the ol' block"? Well that's the child. Mini me is an understatement. So being different is just who we are ... who she is. And for all the child's gregarious manner is peppered with moments of shouting "I like pie!" she's still a good kid. It shouldn't matter that she's into sharks, Family Guy, and anything Japanese. She's not a wishy-washy kid. When you ask her a question she'll answer. There's none of that weak shoulder shrugging or mumbled "I dunno."

I try not to tell the child about the prejudice she's experiencing on a near daily basis from her fellow students, that they're all just moronic asses in elementary who say whatever they want and have no idea of how to be an individual and only crave acceptance ... HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Okay, I can't continue that crap because I don't feel ALL children are like that. And children that are like that? Well they only have their parents to blame.

The child has this fellow 3rd grader that she likens to a friend. The child doesn't whine for playdates, and why are they still called play dates when the kids are 9? But still when it comes to the child's freetime she doesn't EVER suggest kids she'd like to play with. In fact, she's not that interested in the youngest kids at childcare like she use to be. The child use to go out of her way to hang out in the preschool area, and even participated in the leadership program where she taught art to the 3-4 yr. olds. These days though, the child isn't that enamored with youth anymore. She finds the children in her elementary to be rude. She's been sexually harrassed and her life threatened by boys, so of course when she says she loathes boys then I understand. The excuse other adults give the child about such hideous behavior is just that they're kids and they don't mean it. Oh they don't mean it? Well that's a relief. So I'll condone my child to behave in that same manner too simply because she doesn't mean it? Fuck that.

Back to the fellow 3rd grader who has a birthday coming up. The child mentioned that her "friend" was having a sleepover but the child wasn't sure she was invited because initially the birthday girl was only allowed to invite 3 girls. If the child were to be invited to the sleepover she'd have to not "spaz out". Then last night the child told me the bithday girl is having a regular party because if the child was to attend then there could be no sleepover. However, the child told Ian that if the birthday girl wanted more then 3 people over then the sleepover wouldn't happen. Understand that I'm confused. Is my child banned from a sleepover? Is my child even invited to this birthday party which is supposed to happen this coming Saturday?

I feel compelled to just call the parents up and in my most gracious customer service voice (because I do have a good one) and ask if McKenzie is invited or not.

"You can't smoke here, Ryan has canary lungs."

"Because the apocalypse doesn't have to be lonely."

Created by Mingle2.com (Dating for non-zombies)

"Why'd I get double stuffed?"

"Oh the weather outside is frightful."

It's been snowing in Seattle for a week now. Grant it the last few days have been with lots of snow, covering anything and everything. And since I work retail I am expected to show up for work. Of course I'm only expected to come to work because of America's need to buy shit.

Don't get me wrong, I like the shop I work at. The woman who owns it is grounded and generous, but when the fuckin' weather association nerds say to stay home then by fuckin' golly we should stay home! Yet that is not the case that I've been putting up with for the last few days.

American consumerism is an addiction, clearly. 12 inches of snow does not deter the shopper from coming to Ballard and buying a fart machine.

What a bunch of losers.

However, I'm not signing off this post with that bummer sentence above, but with this!

Though taken on Saturday, 12.13.08, I still love the peacefulness this image brings.

Merry Yule and joyous Solstice to all, and to all a good night.

"Alright, alright, Mickey's a mouse, Donald's a duck, Pluto's a dog, what's Goofy?"

A Beluga whale at Sea World in San Diego.

A hippo skull at Ripley's Believe It or Not Musuem.

The Child ready for battle at Medieval Times.

Sleeping Beauty's Castle covered in ice lights at Disneyland.

Me, the Child, Mickey Mouse, Ian, and Leslie together at last in Mickey's House in ToonTown.

As much as humanity repulses me and as much as I despise humans, I really love life. I do. It's true. I love waking up, you know becoming aware I'm still alive and get another chance at living. I wonder about dying in my sleep sometimes. First thought about that is I wouldn't even know, so waking up is a 50/50 chance. With that you've got to believe me when I say I adore vacation, especially touristy destinations. They keep me humble.

I just returned from a week-long vacation with the family down to Southern California. Three days, spread out over a 7, to visit Disneyland (and Disney's California Adventure, hereon referred to as DCA (yeah, I've gotten a lot of legal paperwork, what's your point?), Sea World down in San Diego, Universal Studios, Ripley's Believe It or Not Museum, and Medieval Times.


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12.18.08
The little gem above I started soon after returning from vacation at the end of November. Life's been a crazy, needy bitch lately thus no fuckin' blog posts in over a goddamn month! I'm a horrid blogger, so I've decided I don't fit the label of "blogger". I'm more of a Putterer.

"Play that funky music, white boy!"

This is Peter Fox. The song is called Alles Neu. Yes, it's in German. It's also the most played video in our house right now.

"I'm gonna need more dew and universe juice!"

I got hellaciously drunk the other night due to celebrating a friend's birthday. It's an annual occasion that gets more painful the older I get. I just can't seem to exercise any goddamn restraint. I get totally caught up in the social moment, seeing and visiting with people I only seem to see once a year (at said birthday boozefest).

Ian even set the alarm clock on his cell phone. Of course when it went off it went unheard and by the time Ian mentioned it to me my attitude was, "Eeeeeh, fuck it."

Damn me! Damn my idiotic, booze comsumption stupidity! Gah! But my punishment was painful and long, causng me to actually call in sick to work (and I only work 4 fucking days a week). How humiliating, but that's how it goes for me. It must be humiliating for me otherwise I'm not affected enough to care and change. Well okay, I get it. I'm too goddamn old to be drinking like that (especially too old to be retching my guts out multiple times the next day). Ian agreed and we pinky sweared (swore?) never do that again..

"It's more comfortable for you to label me as insane."

So today's Election Day 2008. I've been on the computer a lot this morning, avoiding news segments and TV shows. But come 4pm I'm turning on the ol' boob-tube to see how the east coast voting is going. Otherwise, I'm staying in my bubble as long as possible.

I need to go upstairs and put away the Halloween decorations. I was able to get the child to put away a box of lights last night, but for all the constant nagging I should've put them away myself. She'd plop in a bundle then lean on the rocking chair. She had a blanket wrapped around her body so each task was done with only one hand, as the other hand held the blanket closed around her. It made me think of the informercial for a blanket with sleeves. YES SLEEVES! WOW! Can you believe it?! *shoots self in head* Yes, a blanket with sleeves, which winds up looking like the person's wearing their robe backwards, which makes me giggle. Okay, laugh. A lot.

I was invited to an Election Party tonight that I immediately said Yes to. Then it went to a Maybe when Ian's stepdad came to town and his date of departure wasn't clear. Now I've changed it to No because my family suddenly has interest in the election and they want me to be home with them to watch the results. And the results better be good damnit! I had a customer in yesterday saying she'd have a beer handy. I replied that I would have tequila and red wine on hand. The tequila is the celebratory liquid and red wine is the drink of solace and sadness.

"Why is that?" the customer asked.

"Red wine makes my cheeks flush. It would be my only warm fuzzy to comfort me."

I feel bad saying No to this party though as it is my second No to the same inviter (yeah?). Legitimate reasons to decline of course, but when people back out on me I always think they just don't want to hang out with me. Yes, I'm paranoid ALL the time, what's your point? In changing my party reply to No, I also typed up a long ass winded note about feeling bad, but I exceeded the character count and so my pathetic ramble went unknown ... until now. Crap.

For Halloween, the child dressed up as the killer from the Scream movies (pictures forth coming). The ORIGINAL Scream movie, so she was the Billy/Stu killer with the mask et al. Ian even colored up a knife for her, which she didn't take to school. I was proud of myself for nixing the faux weapon BEFORE the note to parents about fake weapons not being allowed at school was sent out. Halloween night had the child trick-or-treating with her buddy, Lauren, dressed as a dead cheerleader. They laughed about McKenzie being Lauren's killer. Oh hahha! Isn't that swell?!

"You killed me!!"

Ha. Ha.

Speaking of the child, her sheets need changing but to get to them I have to remove a Spongebob Squarepants bed-tent the child can't seem to live without these days. I'm glad she has it though as her room gets really chilly yet she refuses to use a space heater. She says it makes her nose stuffed up, and though she may be right it is still damn cold in that's child's room! Vampire child with her coffin-like bedcovering ... Oh. My. Gawd. Really? I just had this moment of clarity. My child is a bright and shiny, happy Goth. WORLDS COLLIDE! News at 11!